Tuesday, December 22, 2009

We Getting Money Over Here

In the words of the hopefully mortal Young Jeezy, '"we gettin' money over here, what it do Pimpin'?"

Here's what it do, Pimpin':



It also does this:



And finally, it makes us do this:



As you can see, I picked up three checks yesterday for a total of over 45 grand. After I pay back a few people who loaned me some stater money, I'll have a little over 30 grand for the next place. Pretty sweet.

One thing I forgot to mention: the lawyer, who's name appears on those checks, and who handled the closing, looked a lot like Bob Ross (minus beard and plus glasses). I tried to get a picture with him yesterday, when I picked up the checks, but his assistant said he was busy. Lame-O.


Monday, December 21, 2009

Check 1, 2

Good news. I pick up checks for tens of thousands of dollars today. That's kind of great.

The closing went pretty smoothly on Friday. I signed a bunch of stuff. I also signed a bunch of stuff for my mom, as she was a co-signor on the loan. In order to make sure that she didn't have to drive to RI to sign everything, she mailed in a Power of Attorney form to the buyer's lawyer. That meant that ever place in the documentation that she would have signed, I had to sign the following:

Judith Topham by Ryan Topham her Attorney In Fact

I found that weird.

In any event, I signed everything and the checks (one to me, one to my mom, but really both to me) will be waiting at the lawyers office this afternoon.

In other news, we didn't make it out to look at potential sophomore slumps (second flip properties) on Saturday, as we spent the day unpacking and organizing the mess that was our crappy, tiny apartment. Oh well. We both have the entirety of next week off, so there's still time...

Also apartment related? Some great new neighbors. When watching some TV last night, Amanda's ears perked up a bit and she bounded toward the apparent noise. I was talking to my parents on the phone at the time, so I couldn't investigate/eavesdrop/spy along with her. When I was finished on the phone, I came back into the living room to have Amanda immediately relate to me what she had heard. Here are the pertinent points:

There is a three person family sharing a wall with us. An adult male, and adult female and a tween-aged male.

Apparently, the adult female is an alcoholic, as Amanda overheard the adult male address her as such.

Apparently, the adult female is either jobless, or not advanced enough in her career for the adult male's liking. This was inferred from Amanda overhearing the following (please note that this is very vulgar. I have used the usual censorship method, but it's still very gross): "Why don't you make yourself useful and go suck a homeless man's seaword. Do somethin' for a effword change."

Holy smokes. This might get interesting.

Over the course of the evening, we got to hear a lot of yelling, a lot of door slamming, and the following snippets, all from the much louder/more talkative adult male:

"You're not even a human being no more. You're a effword drunk."

"Ain't nobody lower than a effword drunk."

"You were totally embarrassin' last night at the party. I bet everyone else at the party had a great effword time. Not you though. You probly don't even remember it."

After having his manhood called into question - "I ain't never had a problem with bein' impotent in all my life. What do you expect? I come home to a effword drunk smelling like booze. Essword."

The above, along with a bunch more, was screamed over the course of a few hours last night. I am hoping to get some more of this over the coming months, as it was fairly entertaining. I heard a few domestic squabbles in my time in Philadelphia (a woman screaming at someone over the phone for forgetting hot dog rolls, for instance), but nothing this close to where I live (about 3 feet away). I may have to rename this blog...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Son of a Beeword Update

I got a call today, from Ghost Inspector (meaning he's like a ghost, in that he's hard to find, not that he inspects them), and he said he had court yesterday and couldn't make it to the house. Not quite the apology I was looking for (no apology at all). No explanation as to why it took him until 1:30 the next day to call me back, but whatever...

In the call, he said he would meet me at the house at 2:30 for the inspection. I agreed and got to the house around 2:20. I started doing a little cleaning up, packed the car with a few more things and then waited. Each passing minute brought one more Standard Infuriation Unit of Measurement. After an extra 20 Standard Infuriation Units (he was 20 minutes late, duh), he walked up the driveway and rang the doorbell. I opened the door and did not say one word to him. He went down stairs, took three pictures and passed the house.

After passing the house, I said my first words to him during his visit, asking him to immediately call the buyer's lawyer. I handed over the number. He said this:

"OK. I'm going to go back to the office and sign all of the paperwork. Then I'll fax it over to the lawyers office. I'll do that for you."

You'll do that for me? Really? Gee. That's great. You can't stop doing me favors.

Upon hearing that, I registered a few more SIUs, but managed to keep my composure. I didn't thank him, and he let himself out. I then called John McCann, Realtor and let him know everything had passed.

I got back to work and emailed the buyer's lawyer to let them know that they should be expecting a call and/or fax.

They received it. Closing is tomorrow at 3:30pm.

Effwording A.

Son of a Beeword

My apologies for all of he near vulgarity the past two days. But geeword deeword if it isn't appropriate.

As outlined yesterday, the inspector never showed up at the house. He also didn't call me back. I posited last night that maybe he'll show up today and lie to me, saying he had me down for 10:30 on Thursday. I called his office twice this morning with no luck. I left a few voice mails and headed to the house. He did not show up. Again. Still no call.

I got back to work and immediately gave City Hall another call. This time, I asked for the inspector's boss. Of course he wasn't there either. I left a voice mail with him and have yet to hear back.

I called, once again, during lunch and this time pleaded with the receptionist lady who answers the phone. I asked if there was any way to contact him. She said I could leave a voice mail. I asked if he had a cell phone that anyone in the office can reach him with. She said he doesn't have a cell phone (which is obviously a lie). I asked if there was anyone in the office who had any way to get in touch with him. She asked me if I wanted to leave a voice mail. I politely declined and asked when she expected him back in the office. She said sometime between 3:30 and 4. I thanked her (no I didn't) and will call again at 3:30. Effword.

I'd like to reiterate that the closing on the house is tomorrow. He told me on Monday about things that needed to be fixed, that had not been mentioned by him, or any other inspector, prior to Monday. I got the work done, and paid extra for it, due to time constraints, on Tuesday. He has blown me off since. I absolutely must have this inspector look at my stupid house by 4:30 today if there is any real chance of closing tomorrow.

Also, I'd like to note that during his last (third) inspection, while he was pointing things out, he was acting like he was doing me a favor by only making me do these two things. What a complete deeword.

I know it's been well documented throughout the history of local government that those in local government are generally terrible at their jobs. They are dispassionate, unreliable and ineffective (among many other unsavory adjectives). Providence City Inspector of Structures Scott Mooney is doing nothing to quell those adjectives.

Effword.

In other news, the movers came and went yesterday and we are almost completely moved into our tiny apartment. It is not only a very small apartment (700 square feet or so), but it is very crappy. It was built in the 1970s and has no problem proving it. I generally have no problem living anywhere (ask Dan about our various college apartments), and I am sure that I will settle in nicely to this new apartment. That said, looking around the place last night, I got a little bit depressed. Here's why:

We've gone from this Living Room:





To this (note the great windows. That moisture is between the two panes of glass. It's not going anywhere):




We've gone from this bedroom:




To this (again, note the great window):



And we've gone from this kitchen:




To this:



You've just seen the entirety of the apartment (bathroom excluded). 2300 square feet to this is quite the adjustment.

I'm sure once everything is organized and put away, it will be a serviceable place to live. Right now, however, it is a touch depressing.

Also, the heat never turns off. It was, literally, 85 degrees in there last night. The heat is set on 55. We slept with the window open.

*generate your own swear word here*

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Mother Effword

So. Fantastic Al Medina shows up yesterday and does all of the work by noon. I went home and checked on it, seeing that everything was done.

See? Here's the duct that connects to the out of doors:



Here's the missing Oil Tank Wall:



And here's the gorgeous exhaust port sutck to the house:



Hooray.

Today? I head to the house, expecting the inspector to show up. I am 15 minutes early. I wait for another one hour and fifteen minutes. No inspector. I can't get a hold of him. I may kill him.

On the bright side, Judy came through with signing away Power of Attorney, so she doesn't have to show up at closing.

Mother effword.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Lien On Me.

That title is terrible. My apologies.

So. I got a call from John McCann, Realtor yesterday letting me know that the house can't be sold yet. Sweet. He told me that the city still has a lien on the house because of 'basement issues'. I was delighted...

I gave the city inspectors office a call this morning and arranged to meet with an inspector at the house around noon. That wasn't so bad, since I was meeting the pest sprayer fellow there as well. I rolled up the driveway and let the inspector in. We walked into the basement, he pantsed (this looks terrible, but I assume that how it's spelled) me, asked me to close my eyes and got to work.

He decided that instead of clearing the house, as his office had done on two separate occasions, he was going to make me angry. He told me to tear down yet another wall (I already tore down one) down there and told me I needed to vent the bathroom. The first thing isn't a big deal; it's a pain the the bottom, but not too bad. The second thing is terrible.

Here's the first thing:



Not a big deal. Just cut out the wall that is currently enclosing the oil tank. He said that you need three feet around it to service the tank, so the doorway wall needs to go.

The second thing, as noted above, is terrible. Not only was there no mention of the problem in the 75 thousand inspections, but no one, not one worker, inspector or otherwise, had ever even looked at it. Here's the problem:

In the bathroom, there is a shower. Since there's a shower, there is also an exhaust fan. That exhaust fan is connected to a little bit of ducting. That ducting currently leads to nowhere. See?



This is an obvious code violation. You can't have an exhaust fan just kind of dumping out to nowhere. The inspectors solution? More code violations! Here's what I have to do to pass inspection:

1. Break out some bricks in the basement (seen below.)

2. Cut through the houses firewall system (bad. code violation)
3. Cut through the exterior of the house
4. Install an exterior vent
5. Connect the current ducting to the vent

Step number 2 there is illegal. Also illegal? Putting a vent to the exterior within three feet of a window. The nearest window? 4 inches away. They just make this crap up as they go. Ugh.

I gave the sterling Al Medina, General Contractor a call and he came over to take a look. He'll fix it all up tomorrow for $300. The inspector is scheduled to come back on Wednesday to probably bend me over again. Hooray.

On an unrelated front, that crazy woman featured last Friday never showed up. I was both disappointed and relieved. Amanda was only relieved, as she is scared. Here's the nice, unsolicited email I got from her:

Received December 11th at 9:50pm:

I had every intention of going there for 5 but there was an emergency with my brother whom is at a hospital in Boston, that is where I was at 5. I know ur going to have a hard time believing being you thought I was a hoax to begin with. again I apologize but Family before furniture..... if you would allow me to still view ur items I would love to. But that is 100% ur decision. Monday at 5 is good u mentioned in a previous email. sincerly sorry Christina...

There's still a glimmer of hope that she will show up tonight.

In yet other news, the movers are scheduled to show up on Wednesday, I have been calling all over the place to switch/cancel utilities and other crap, and the pest guy finished up today. As long as the inspector gives me the passing grade he owes me, we're still closing on Friday.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Craig.

It's been a long time since I've written. Not much has happened.

We had that aforementioned moving sale and made about $1500 that day. All of the repairs are finished up and the exterminator will spray the basement on Monday. Ho hum.

In the last few weeks, we've posted all kinds of stuff on Craigslist for sale. Everything that we didn't sell at the moving sale is basically up on Craigslist. It's a lot of stuff, and thus, has generated a lot of interest. While I haven't had many hilarious emails from foreign people (like in my last post), I am currently involved in a very good email string. I am going to post is, verbatim, for your (and my) reading pleasure. I am really enjoying it, and hopefully it will go on for a few more days.

Please note that, towards the end, I come of as kind of a deeword. Which is fine, as I can be kind of a deeword. I was attempting to draw out the conversation as far as possible. I could have shown some restraint, to be sure, but it was, and remains, a little too surreal to not pursue.

Initial email:

Thursday, December 10th at 1:18am:

I am a 32 yr old medically disabled female(liver) fresh out of a 7 yr relationship trying to start all over again on my own on a fixed income NOT EASY!!!Please call 774-955-8068 christina call any anytime or text or email thanks and God Bless !? I WANTED TO KNOW IF THERE WAS ANYTHING I COULD LOOK AT???WHERE ARE U LOCATED I WOULD LOVE TO TAKE A LOOK AND MAYBE NEGOTIATE SOME PRICES..... I HOPE U GET BACK TO ME 774-955-8068 CHRISTINA I'M DISABLED SO I DON'T WORK SO I CAN WORK AROUND UR SCHEDULE TO VIEW... THANKS FOR UR TIME I DONT NEED BIG FURNITUREALTHOUGH I NEED CHAIR TO GO WITH MY COUCH

My response, December 10th at 7:42am:

Hi Christina,

The chairs are already sold, so unfortunately, I have no chairs to offer (other than an office chair). As for the rest of the stuff, I will be available today and tomorrow after 5pm. If you can make it either day, it would be great.

Ryan


December 10th at 10:29am:

I'M GOING TO TAUNTON TODAY FOR 6PM I DON'T KNOW WHERE U ARE LOCATED IF AFTER TAUNTON IS GOOD OR TOMORROW???? COULD U JUST KIND ME A BRIEF LIST OF WHAT U HAVE TO OFFER. AND HOPEFULLY WE CAN NEGOTIATE A PRICE... THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS CHRISTINA TEXT ME AT *phone number omitted* LET ME KNOW WHAT WORKS FOR U!!

December 10th at 10:43am:

Hi Christina,

During work hours, email is the best way to get in contact with me.

I'm on River Ave in Providence.

The Craigslist post is updated with what is still available, so you can check that out to see what's left:

http://providence.craigslist.org/fuo/1500902471.html

Tomorrow will work for me if you can't make it this evening.

Ryan


December 10th at 12:00pm:

well cosidering my circumstances I would only be able to buy the less expensive items: the Karby rug ur asking 10-ikea pillows ur asking 2 each-ikea vasesur asking 2 each and then it states "and lots more) like what???

December 10th at 12:10pm:

I've got DVDs, a few rugs, some records, vases, candles, candle trays/holders, pillows, twin bedding, artwork and probably some more stuff that I'm forgetting about.

December 10th at 12:58pm:

WOULD U BE WILLING TO NEGOTIATE ON PRICES FOR ME BEING ON A FIXED INCOME AND NEEDING TO FURNISH AN APT. BY MYSELF IS NOT EASY AT ALL

December 10th at 1:03pm:

Everything is negotiable.

December 10th at 2:15pm:

WHEN WOULD I BE ABLE TO VIEW THE ITEMS???? JUST KNOW UR NOT GONNA GET RICH OFF ME CUZ I HAVE VERY LIMITED FUNDS Lol. THANKS FOR BEING ABLE TO NEGOTIATE

December 10th at 3:45pm:

I get the message. I understand that you're not rolling in money. That's fine. If you make an offer on something and I deem it too low, then we won't have a deal. I am pretty flexible though, as we have to move in a few weeks, so who knows.

If you can come by after 5pm today or tomorrow, it would work.

Ryan


December 11th at 10:25am:

ARE U STILL WILLING TO LE ME VIEW UR ITEMS?? IF WHEN WHAT TIME AND WHERE??

December 11th at 10:27am:

As I emailed before, after 5 today would work. After 5 on Monday would work as well.

December 11th at 10:36am:

I'M SORRY IF I REPEATED A QUESTION I CAN DO TODAY SO AT FIVE WHERE??

December 11th at 10:40am:

5 o'clock today is fine.

439 River Ave in Providence.

December 11th at 10:41am:

ONE QUESTION AND I APOLOGIZE I DONT WANT TO ANGER YOU I THINK I DID ALREADY BY REPEATING MY QUESTION BEFORE... RIVER AVE IS WAY INTO PROV?? I'M HORRIFIC WITH DIRECTIONS

December 11th at 10:44am:

I'm not angry, I'm just starting to think that this may be some sort of joke.

If, in fact, it's not, River Ave is off of Smith Street.

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=439+River+Ave,+Providence,+RI+02908&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=47.215051,79.013672&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=439+River+Ave,+Providence,+Rhode+Island+02908&z=16&iwloc=A

December 11th at 10:48am:

SORT OF A JOKE?? WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING??? MY LIFE STORY IS 100% REALITY I WISH IT WEREN'T BUT IT IS. I HAVE NOT LIED OR JOKED ABOUT ANYTHING IF U DONT WANT ME TO VIEW THE FURNITURE THAT IS UR DECISION

December 11th at 10:56am:

I'm not implying anything, but apparently you're inferring something. I'm merely stating that the writing style and the constant use of all caps is a little fishy. Strangely, the beginning of the initial email is not in all caps, and leads me to believe that it is used over and over to start many email correspondences. After that leading explicative paragraph, you resorted to all caps, and have used them ever since, thus furthering my suspicions.

Also, the constant implication that you're poor isn't socially normal. I understood from the initial email that you have short funds. I have no problem with that and have been willing to negotiate from the beginning. There is no real need to bring it up (and other aspects of your 'life story') over and over to a complete stranger.

That said, if you're actually interested in purchasing anything, I am willing to show you around today at 5.

Ryan


December 11th at 11:07am:

I JUST NOT 5 MINUTES AGO WENT THROUGH THIS WITH A WOMEN ON CRAIGS LIST SHE THOUGHT I WAS YELLING AT HER BECAUSE OF WRITING IN CAPS. THAT SURELY WAS NOT THE CASE. AND ABOUT " MY LIFE STORY" I DONT THINK I HAVE BROUGHT IT UP OVER AND OVER IF I DID I APOLOGIZE, I'M UNDER ALOT OF STRESS SO IF SOMETHING SEEMS TO COME ACROSS NEGATIVE TO YOU THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT FOR. OH AND AS OF NOW no more caps.. again i apologize.. i didnt even realize i started off writing to you in lower case and then ended up in upper case letters.. i apologize. i'm 100% genuine i am interested in your furniture I am not poor but do have limited funds ie: a budget, if u would still allow me to view the furniture i would love to do so if not I understand

December 11th at 11:23am:

As stated previously, if you show up today at 5pm, you can take a look around.

While I understand that your circumstances, and thus, budget may be difficult, they don't much matter in the 'buying things from Craigslist' scheme of things, at least as far as I am concerned. If I have items that you'd like to buy, and we can agree on a price, they're yours. If not, no big deal.

I apologize if I seem to be furthering this line of emails with my seemingly dismissive and terse responses, but again, the mentioned circumstances are yours alone. They have little to do with the matter at hand.

See you at five.

Ryan


End

That's where we stand as of now. I hope to keep getting great, all caps, or even lowercase emails from this crazy person, as I am really enjoying this.

And for the record, I am not sorry (as written in my last email) for furthering the email string. I am doing my best to keep it going for both my own, and hopefully your amusement.

Further bulletins as events warrant.

*ALMOST IMMEDIATE UPDATE*

The following was sent at 11:17 this morning. You'll note that it was sent before I even replied the last time:

It was not a reply, but a separate email. This is the subject line of the email:

please reply i'm not using caps anymore it gets me in trouble I didnt realise it came off as if I were upset or angry.. i apologize

And here is the email's body:

please if u feel as if i'm phisy or phony then we can forget the meeting at 5 im not on craigslist speaking to people feeling the need to explain myself or at that matter make me feel like crap....

*SECOND ALMOST IMMEDIATE UPDATE*

This was was sent in response to my last email. It was sent at 11:32am.

The old subject line of the email string, up until this reponse, was 'Moving'. Here is the new one:

lesson learned

And here is the body of the email:

I learned never to write in caps and 2- i learned to keep my business to me, it shouldnt be mentioned and is noones business.. I apologize.. See you at 5. I will say I'm quite ashamed of myself I didn't know that was how I was portraying things

*Updated Stream of Consciousness Commentary*

What? Is this as great as I think it is? Is this person serious? Have I been corresponding with an actual, legitimate retard? I don't think so. Who would date a retard for 7 years? Another retard? Would a retard actually break up with anyone, knowing that their prospects aren't so great?

Is it an elderly woman? If so, should I feel like a jerk?

Is it, as I suspect, a ruse? Does this person just pick out people to email for fun? Is this a little game or something? If so, did I win? I feel like I won, at least a little, because I am deriving so much pleasure from it.

If this woman is serious, how is she still alive? How has she not fallen down into a ditch or something? Who would date this person for 7 years? A convict? Did he break up with her immediately upon release?

Did she really write what she learned? Who could possibly write something like that? Am I supposed to feel like I taught her something? Was it meant to make me feel bad? I realize that I can come off as condesending, what with my enormous words and all (*sarcasm alert*), but really?

Jayword. So many questions. I really hope she shows up tonight at 5.